Do you know that there is not a day that goes by that I do not pause and look at your face and wonder what I did to deserve such a beautiful, funny, and curious daughter? I will admit that those first few weeks of motherhood were difficult. I struggled. Not with the loving you part – loving you came at me so hard and fast that it physically hurt. But I struggled with the drastic change in my life. Struggled with being responsible every second of every minute of every hour for a tiny beautiful being that at first could only poop and cry and suckle the life force out of me. I took advantage of your long naps to go get my haircut or get a massage or get a beer. It was all so overwhelming and I needed a break. Not a break from you, but a break from becoming your mother.
When I would finally get you to sleep around midnight I would feel euphoric at having a few adult hours to myself before you woke up again. My how things have changed since then. Now when I put you to bed it seems too soon to say goodnight. Too soon to end our day full of messy meals, and reading stories, and dancing in your bedroom and building forts.
You were a little sick a few weeks ago with what we thought was the chicken pox. To play it safe we stayed home from all of our usual groups and classes so as not to infect any of your little colleagues. Normally a week without adult company save for your father at night would have driven me crazy, but you’re now at an age where you are all the company I need.
We’re becoming more adventurous with food – you heart bagels a whole lot – especially if I splash out on some cream cheese. You make the most adorable grunting sound while mashing the bagel in your mouth, like you’re annoyed that you don’t have the proper tools to get this unbelievable deliciousness in your belly faster. Yeah, still no teeth. But seeing how hard you can gum my nipple when you’re distracted while feeding I’m quite happy for those teeth to stay where they are a while longer.
Speaking of annoyed, even your new friends at nursery noticed how frustrated you get at being a baby. From about the age of 3 months your father and I picked up on how you would seem to get angry at the limitations of your little baby body and the staff at your nursery mentioned the same thing to me when I picked you up the other day. “It’s like she wishes she could do a lot more than she’s physically capable of”.
I know you’re frustrated, but don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. I’d miss you too much.