Thursday, 4 March 2010

My left boob

I can always tell when a new exercise or diet regime is working because my left breast looses weight before any other part of my body. The right one will eventually catch up, – right boob is a little lazy. This of course isn’t the greatest incentive for trying to lose weight. Avoided cake and huffed and puffed till your face was red on the treadmill? How bout I shrink half of your best assets as a reward.

So combine a left boob that is always itching to get back to it’s C cup and a baby that has an unexplained preference for nursing from the right boob and we got ourselves a one-way ticket to lopside city.

I had been warned from other mothers about what the dreaded nursing boob preference could do, but I thought, really – how much damage can a little baby do. Yeah, I can see you shaking your head from here.

When she was younger she would scream and writhe when I offered her my left breast. When I had the patience I could wait through this period and get her to eventually accept it. But my patience was more often used up with changing her outfit for the third time that day after yet another butt explosion, or wiping up another dollop of baby spew from the bedroom floor. So I would cave in and just move her to the right breast and call it a day.

Now she has no preference, can swap between boobs without batting an eye, but the damage has been done.

I gave her my heart and she took my boobs. Not only do they no longer match, but they’re also a deflated shadow of their former selves.

So my advice to any childless women out there – go have fun, kinky (protected!) sex and in the morning strut around his place in nothing but his oversized t-shirt and a smile while your body is still in a state to make that look sexy. Take a moment to drink in your fabulousness – because once you have a kid your body is theirs.

These days I put on the Frenchman’s shirt and I just look like Meatloaf prancing around without his pants on.

Just cute enough to make my sad boobs worth it. But only just.


  1. Hilarious post! ... so true... kids take the best of the body and leave the left overs...

    Love the pictures too... so cute :)

  2. Okay, this makes me want to run screaming directly to a drugstore and buy a case of condoms!

  3. HA HA HA at the previous poster!

    THANKFULLY the monkey never took preference to one breast or the other. He did in the VERY beginning due to a flat nipple but gave up when I refused to nurse him on the other side. I didn't want to be lopsided so he was GOING to eat from that side before resuming on the other side. That lasted a day or two.

  4. Annika didn't have a preference, but the damage to my boobs is done nonetheless!

    I can only imagine how bad they'll be when I'm done deflated balloons maybe?!

  5. My plan is to even it out with the next kid. I was thinking of having 3 kids, but now it will have to be an even number won't it.... hmmm might just need to re-think this.

  6. Yes! If only I would've known how hot I was then...but now? Yeah, it's sag city.

    Your Meatloaf reference literally made me LAUGH OUT LOUD! Seriously. I may have woken up the kids.

  7. Oh this post made me laugh out loud as well...the whole thing. Hilarious. And I will get onto that t-shirt morning-after strut ASAP--thanks for the tip :)

  8. I'd love a little deflation. Mine just grew bigger with each child and never looked back----except now I think they are actually part of my back...
    AND remember to take advantage of that "sorry, I have to sit and nurse now" thing. The excuse to sit and put your feet up several times during the day passes much too quickly.
    Oh, Lauren, (per comment) I don't think your little angel was necessarily angry---probably VERY strong willed---time may tell...

  9. Love the pictures and the sense of humor!