Thursday, 23 July 2009

You know I will

When I was about 12 years old I started what would become a slightly unhealthy obsession with The Beatles. My mother had put Rocky Raccoon from the Beatles’ White Album on one of our car mixes when we were younger. Intrigued, when I came across the entire album in her CD collection I stowed it away in my room and listened to it on repeat for months. Even Revolution No. 9. It eventually progressed to me crying at night because I wasn’t born in 1948 in order to be a screaming teenager at the height of Beatlemania and carving Paul McCartney’s initials in my forearm with a needle and Bunsen burner during 8th grade Science class. Clearly when I fall for something I fall hard.

While I moved on from The White Album, one song remains to this day my favorite. I Will. Track 8 Side 2. This simple tune made my little adolescent heart swoon. I used to lay awake at night thinking it was the most romantic song I had ever heard and if ever a boy were to serenade me with this song I would marry them in a heartbeat.

No boy has ever sung that song to me. No man has stood under my balcony with a beat-up acoustic and warbled his way through the most romantic lyrics I know. Instead I have sung it to others, people’s weddings, anniversaries – it’s always been improptu. A family member goads me into singing something and "I Will" always seems to fit the occasion. I used to feel slight melancholy that I’ve never heard the song performed just for me in a declaration of love.

Until I became pregnant.

Now I know I was wrong. No one is meant to serenade me with the song “I Will”. The song is not about how much a man loves me or how long he will wait for me. It is not the song that will let me know when I have found my husband. “I Will” is my daughter’s lullaby. “I Will” is for when my own words fail me in letting her know that I never really understood the magnitude of love before the moment she was placed on me at 15:57 July 18th 2009.

I Will
( J. Lennon, P. McCartney )

Who knows how long I've loved you,
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime,
If you want me to, I will.

For if I ever saw you,
I didn't catch your name.
But it never really mattered,
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever,
Love you with all my heart;
Love you whenever we're together,
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you,
Your song will fill the air.
Sing it loud so I can hear you,
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me,
You know I will,
I will.

Eloise - I promise one day soon I'll be able to sing this song to you without crying. Mama just needs to learn how to live with a heart that has doubled in size.


  1. There are no two look absolutely perfect together. I am so happy that you are enjoying every second.

  2. I still remember you telling me in college about that fantasy--a guy, a guitar, that song. And although it is a beautiful lullaby for your babe, your posts are far too lovely to ever convince us words fail you.

  3. Lauren, my daughter Tracy sent me to your website--you are indeed a talented writer--this actually had me tearing up after reading it! (Although I was born in 1949, and I also love The Beatles, I've never carved any of their initials in my arm.) I love the White Album, too--it's one of my favorites! I'm so glad you've discovered the indescribable love that comes with having a child--and "I Will" sounds like the perfect song for Eloise. She's lucky to have you as her mom! (And I assume you're smoke-free these days. :-) )