Thursday, 29 October 2009

In bed

I've started sleeping with someone else. Someone I knew I would eventually come to know intimately but kind of assumed our meeting would happen further down the line. I am in bed with a devil named Guilt. You're a mother? Well then I'm sure you know this companion well.

I am leaving my baby. I am abandoning my heart, my love, my raison d'etre. And a part of me is happy that I am leaving. Enter Mr. Guilt.

Off to Paris for a few days to sort out the stuff I have left in my old apartment. The main "stuff" being the child's bed I bought for my prison sized room, the first big piece of furniture that I purchased with my own money when I was 22 years old with my future children in mind.

The original plan was for Eloise to come with me, but due to a passport snafu she's not ready for international travel just yet. I know my heart is going to break at waking up Saturday morning and not being able to see her Oh My GOSH - It's YOU again!!! face.

What am I thinking leaving this kid?

Yet I am also looking forward to having more than one glass of wine, to not smelling of milk vomit, to wearing perfume and unsensible shoes, to sleeping in. And of course I am full of guilt at having these feelings. Most of all I look forward to seeing her again.

Wish me luck. More importantly wish Eloise's father luck.


  1. I'm thinking of you! I hope you'll be able to put guilt behind you and really enjoy this trip. Don't waste this time away from your daughter feeling guilty. Enjoy and live in the moment. Love and kisses. (spoken like a true child-less woman)

  2. Yes, enjoy it! You deserve a little you time! You will see her again very soon and it will be an amazing reunion, but she has a wonderful dad who will love and care for her dearly in the meantime.