Boob be gone

So it looks like we’re winding down our breastfeeding relationship. Which is good. I think. I mean, right? This is what I want, isn’t it? She’s almost 17 months old. Old enough that I personally don’t feel comfortable feeding her in public and haven’t for around 6 months or so. Which is not say I have anything against extended breastfeeding, but I certainly have found my own comfort threshold with it. Eloise and I are starting our first step to growing apart as individuals. And while I will forever and always be Eloise’s mother - a permanent stamp on my identity, Eloise will become more and more Eloise, plain and simple (though far from plain and far from simple is she).

I can now get her to nap and sleep without nursing. A feat I have tried for near on 7 months off and on with no luck. Finally this last week, Eloise and I were ready. I had more resolve to stick it out and she no longer felt this was a battle worth fighting against so hard. So she signed for milk and I calmly gave her a beaker of cow’s milk instead. And I rocked her in my arms and she kicked and screamed and pointed at the old chair we usually nurse in, but I rocked and shushed and patted and after 10 minutes she laid her cheek against mine and started to fall asleep. And the next day it was 5 minutes of screaming. And that night. That night I held her and rocked her for maybe 30 seconds and she indicated that she wanted to be put down in her bed, so I did, and she curled into a ball, butt in the air, and I put the blanket on her, patted her back and left the room.

We are now embarking on day 5 of not nursing and there have unfortunately been many a moment at 1:12am, at 2:29am, at 4:38am that tears have sprung to my eyes while Eloise wailed and thrashed - because of teething, because of a cold, because of a tummy ache, because she likes a good challenge - and I thought I should just give in and sit in that chair and nurse her. But we both need to learn how to calm and be calmed by other means than my milk - and while cutting 2 molars without being able to nurse her through the discomfort has been a baptism of fire, we have stuck through it and she has woken every morning, happy and cheerful and slightly more independent to two very tired parents.

Will I be able to stay as strong tonight if she does the same thing? If she wakes up 4 times and takes a good HOUR to get back to sleep each time? I don’t know. I’m tired. I honestly don’t know. But I do know that Eloise and I are growing up. And I’m a little sad and a lot relieved. Because do you know what stopping to nurse means? It means that I can drink as much sparkling water as I want without it upsetting Eloise’s stomach. It means that I can wear bras that don’t pretend to hold my boobs up by flimsy Lego snaps. IT MEANS THAT I CAN DRINK DURING THE DAY AGAIN.IF I FEEL LIKE IT. IF I AM NOT NAPPING.

Onzieme mois avec mademoiselle Eloise

Eloise -

You started this month with 3 teeth and are ending it with 8. Lucky for me, most of those teeth came in the same week - the week your father was out of town. Considering the fact that you at one point had 4 teeth breaking the surface of those shiny little gums of yours at once I thought you handled it very well. I didn't once get a phone call from nursery asking if they could give you calpol and during the day with me you were great. At times a bit more clingy and whiny but easily distracted from the discomfort and quick with a smile. At night however, you were not so tolerant of the pain, and there were some nights so difficult that we both found ourselves in tears at 3 in the morning.

We still haven't cracked this sleep issue. In fact, your father is upstairs trying to get you to bed and I can hear you slowly singing through the baby monitor, fighting it. I spent the last 47 minutes trying to get you to sleep and now he's trying. You sleep through the night every once in awhile, maybe once or twice a month, just to show us you can. Usually though you take a while to fall asleep (like tonight) and you wake up twice a night. I know there are babies out there who do much worse so I try not to complain, but those rare nights when go from 7pm to 7am show us just what we're missing. It is amazing what your body can get used to though, and waking up every 3 or 4 hours is no longer as painful as it used to be. Plus, I kind of miss you when you sleep the whole night through*.

Eating with you is so much fun now. Gone are the days when I would watch you eat with my heart in my throat seeing you gag and sputtle while you tried to understand the art of chewing. You do still occasionally gag, but it is less and less common, allowing me to relax and just enjoy you enjoying your food. Finger foods go down best with you as you like to be in control. Usually your meal is made up of whatever your father and I had for dinner the night before. Steak and potatoes. Salmon and green beans. Chicken and cous cous.

You drink from your sippy cup like an old pro now. To go from the days where I had to spoon feed you mush and hold your cup to your lips just to watch you spit out the water, to now. Now where you sit with an entire grown up meal and pick and choose what you want to eat, throwing what you don't like on the floor (thanks for that) and taking sips of water inbetween bites of food.

There are times when I become nostalgic for the little baby you once were, the scent of milk, the baby sighs as you sleep, the fragility and utter dependence on me. But then I see you butt scooching out of the room, turning to see if I've noticed that you're trying to escape and grinning hysterically and wildly flapping your arms when I come to scoop you up again. Or looking out the window and upon seeing your father in the garden, pointing and saying Da. Or deciding that you're thirsty, looking at me and making the sign for milk. And I think, holy crap, watching you grow into this world is so exhilarating and humbling. You won't let me be a witness to who you are becoming at such close range forever so I better stop looking backwards and start making sure I'm watching you plan your escape.

Je T'aime

Maman

Eloise is a hair above Mickey now but is clearly unhappy with her new commanding role.

There there Mickey, the title is still yours...

...FOR NOW!!! (I'm scared)

*Don't worry kid, I'll get over it, you sleep all you want at night. Please?

The Baby Gods Giveth and the Baby Gods Taketh Away

Most mothers know about the horrid Sleep Gods. The ones that sit around waiting for a mother to brag that her baby slept 8 hours straight for the first time ever and then swoop in and whisper to your baby in her crib that it is her duty to keep these parent people on their toes by waking up every 3 hours screaming just when they’ve tasted the sweetness of over 6 hours of consecutive sleep.

But I also found out that there are Spit-up Gods and Teething Gods (not to be confused with the Tooth Fairy who I hear is actually pretty nice). As soon as I posted about Eloise finally getting over her penchant for milk regurgitations multiple times a day, I spent the next 12 hours with warm sour milk falling out of my baby’s mouth (almost always onto me I might add). And in the 7 month letter to Eloise where I mentioned that she did not yet have teeth and that I was very happy to keep that milestone at bay for the time being she cut her first tooth LATER THAT DAY. So apparently Spit-up God and Teething God are fans of my blog.

Happily biting on her tongue days before the tooth appeared

And when I saw that tooth? I hugged her close to me, told her how proud I was and then burst into tears. It’s just too fast.

So now that I’m nursing a toothed baby, can someone please tell me how I get her to stop using my nipple as a teething ring? At the moment I just take her off the breast (while yelling in pain of course) and tell her no. Then she smiles at me. And you just know Teething God taught her that one.